Melancholia and the urge to plan things

Today I received the confirmation that Aya is officially signed out of her school from July 2018. Things are getting real these days. It’s exciting but it also fills me with a melancholy I can’t define. There’s an ambiguity to saying goodbye and at the same time embracing new adventures around the corner.

We’re acting on lots of practical things in Denmark. Cancelling subscriptions we don’t need anymore, looking into what kind of insurance we need, where we can buy a car in France, signing Aya out of school, Eddie out of kindergarten, cleaning out in the attic and cabinets and selling all the unneccesary stuff on fleamarket. Meanwhile the practicalities of getting a house in France is on a halt. We didn’t find the perfect spot last time and on return Teis has been busy finishing his job. We plan to move mid August, so it doesn’t make much sense to spend money on an extra househunting trip before then. When we settle there we will have better possibilities of exploring areas, talk to locals that might know of something interesting and time to see houses and neighbourhoods more thoroughly. The specific plan is a bit up in the air, since we haven’t sold the apartment yet. But there are people looking at it and it will hopefully fall into place over summer. We really want to get going so we can progress our Bed and Breakfast plans, which is difficult from here. It seems as if each phase has it’s own mental and practical steps that you can’t hurry. It makes me slightly impatient, but I try to take it one day at a time and there are actually quite a lot of things I can do.

I have a blog that needs tending and digital tools I need to learn. And I have a business plan I have to build up. I’ve taken an introductory course in Lean Business Planner, which is a free project planning tool that can make your chaotic thoughts and ideas look really neat and cool. Take a look at their website and sign in, if you need an overview of pretty much anything, but especially for start-ups, it’s brilliant and the partner in Denmark, Christoffer Jakobson is more than willing to answer your questions: http://leanbusinessplatform.com

But I don’t feel like working on our business plan today. So what do I do when I need to pull myself together to action. I eat. It’s Teis’ last day at work today, so he made chocolate cake yesterday. Second after eating, I plan. I plan things. Whatever. Travels, Ayas leisure activities, seeing friends. E V E R Y T H I N G. I love putting things in my calendar. It gives me a nice sense of fulfillment. It’s a quick-fix. So I also try to work with my urge to plan. A basic urge to control and foresee the future in a calendar sheet. As if life wouldn’t be there if I had no calendar. I’ve tried to imagine what would happen if I deleted my week cal app on my phone, my best friend. Would all the activities vanish into thin air. I see them flying away on their small letter wings; Ayas swim class, Eddie in Hareskoven, trip to France, legegruppe, summerholiday, møde i jobcenter… The thought alone is scary. Because how will I then manage. How will I manage life? I’m not ready yet. And I know my coordinating skills and neurotic relation to my calendar will come in handy running a B&B, so why bother. I can make it my job instead, that’s much better.

As I said, it’s Teis last day on job today and I look forward to get my partner in crime back and have him for myself everyday. No distractions, no worn-out-work-face. He will have time to concentrate on the project and his process in this. I’ve gone through quite a lot of thinking these past months and I must say it has been nice to be able to take it all in and be with it, instead of suppressing it and hurry on in a busy worklife. We both have our worries and our ups and downs and it’s important to continuously share our thoughts, our fears, our hopes, so they don’t overgrow us and we loose contact of each other. The dream of France, of doing something else, is only possible if we’re strong together. And by strong I mean that we feel connected, we can communicate open and constructively and we can be vulnerable to each other. We try to pull each other up when we’re down and to give each other space when we need space. But we need to communicate all this. It’s a major task for me to keep exploring what I feel, what I desire and how I communicate this to the closest person in my life. So I look forward to share my thoughts  and worries with Teis and I’m sure he will be a huge help to stay positive and active in this process, though there’s nothing wrong with melancholia.

One of the first things we need to do is to plan the next few months. What do we need to do to wrap up life in Denmark. And what do we need to do to start a new life in France.

I really look forward to plan that trip and put it in my calendar: “Going to France”! Ahh!

Until then I will share with you this amazing poem by Inger Christensen I read the other day in Information. It has been lying in her archive since she wrote it for the poetry collection, ‘Alfabet’ in 1981, but still it is spot on, where we are today in the world. Sweating away in an unfamiliar heat for May in Denmark. Sadly enough the O-poem is as relevant as ever.

 

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