This post is about doing what you want to do and how I try to do that right now one step at a time, one day at a time. It’s about the journey not the result.
So we bought the flight ticket and I’ve put it in my calendar – 8th of August, we’re outta here. YEAH! We also signed a contract on where to stay for the first 7 weeks. A small house in a vacation resort in the lowland of Fayence/Tourettes with common pools and playground, which is perfect for the kids. As you read last time I was really looking forward to this point. The point where I could go further and take some action and not least put it in my calendar: “Going to France”. This should have felt like a massive relief. But it didn’t. Why is that? And why did I think that buying flight tickets and paying for a place to stay would make me happy? It is nice to know where we are staying. To be able to tell people a specific date, when they ask and to look forward to that date. But there are things that are still not sorted out and we will probably never reach a place where everything is sorted out in this project. And that’s good. The apartment isn’t sold which makes it a bit ambiguous. We hope that it will fall into place before we leave, but if not we will have to take it from there. There is no reason to pack everything up and pay for a place to store it if the apartment isn’t sold. Still we want to get moving and can’t stay here waiting forever. More so, the whole dream of moving to France and finding our spot has only just begun on the 8th of August. It’s when we get there we can begin to find the right house and talk to the banks about a specific house and actually make a plan for what, when and where there will be a B&B.
So how can I be better at not organizing my life as if happiness awaits around the corner? That everything will be perfect as soon as I get to plan the next step. I need to be happy today, right now. No-one garanties me happiness tomorrow. Only I can do something about that. I need to take it one day at a time and get the best out of every moment. This journey is gonna be a long proces and it might take years before we can look back and say that this is what we dreamt about. That we are there. And maybe we will never get there. Life is an on-going project and this dream can take many turns that we had never foreseen. Therefore the process is the most important, not trying to reach an end-point that might never come or might not be as you hoped for. The reason that I’m pretty calm and happy with our decision is that it feels right right now. I don’t know how it’s going to be running a B&B or if something totally different will play out once we are there. But I know that today is a good day. I enjoy the steps we’re taking to get there, I like the development we’re going through together and I like being together everyday. Of course fear can grab me with it’s ugly hands and throw me into a dark corner of insecurity and the unknown. Especially when I think about the kids and how it will be for them learning the language, going to school there, getting friends etc. But basically I have no idea so why worry. We are not there yet. And if I stick to here and now fear doesn’t have a chance. It can’t get me here. There is light and there is warmth and there is love. Fear knows nothing of these.
Right now it feels amazing to be driven by an inner strength and an inner desire instead of externally defined factors in life. I feel like I was chasing imaginary jobs that fit an imaginary profile before. Jobs, I knew nothing about, that fit into the theoretical idea of who I am and what I can do. What my CV says I can do. But I can do so much more than that. Of course I have chosen an education based on what I’m interested in, what drives me. But it can be hard to turn that interest and enthusiasm into a job. A job you like. Maybe it’s me being impatient. I am. And I would love to work within areas of integration, refugees, conflict and violence in an international environment. But still the everyday worklife is also a whole lot of other things. Things that can make for a good workplace or a bad workplace, but sometimes it’s just meaningless, dull work. For me, staying somewhere that tears me down instead of build me up, is not the right thing. I have difficulties seeing the point in staying one place to climb a ladder to another place you have no idea what will be like. My impatience and desire for more than just a job, makes me act, it made me quit my job, which can be a good and a bad thing. But I believe life is so much more. We can do so much more. Especially in these Google times, we can be our own masters. I work hard and I love to work, when I’m motivated. Motivated by responsibility, by interest, by friendships, by having fun, by developing and having a meaningful goal. I get all this right now. Competences and careers come in many colors. Usually the best of them comes from doing something you like. Not enduring something you don’t like. I might miss having colleagues, working with others than my husband, but let’s see when we get there. I’m good at getting to know new people and since he is my best friend, I’m not bad off.
Somehow we tend to look forward to things in life and afterwards we look back at them. Whereas the here and now can be strangely emptied of big emotions. I need to practice to stay in the moment. Nourish and embrace the feelings that are here right now. Only this way can I navigate my life and be sure to get the best out of it.